Jesus was waiting for me in my office this morning. He had a few things to show me. He wasn’t mad. He just wanted to show me a little more of my heart, and some mistakes I had made recently.
I have little or no patience with bad attitudes. That in itself is a little inconsistent, but hey, that’s the way it is right now. I ran across a guy here in blogdom that I found really annoying. I agree with what he sees, for the most part, but also really hate the way he expresses it much of the time. Not always, but often. I am just being honest. He "sees" things in the church that are not good. Actually, its not uncommon for him to have some pretty deep insights. (in my not so humble opinion) And he tells everyone about those problems he sees. That’s where my problem came in. The way he does it often bugs the heck out of me, and I had let it get under my skin. Now, he is not the only one out there that does this. The internet is loaded with "prophets". You could spend your whole day reading their analyses of the church’s problems. My annoyance with many of them and their "bad attitudes" had been building over time, and I guess I crossed some line in my own heart a week or so ago, and decided to say something. I had written posts about the subject on my own blog, but now I took it a step further, and confronted this one particular guy. When I say "confronted", its not like I blasted him with my own prophetic indictment. "Thus saith the Lord, stop judging!!!." No, I took a more subtle approach. I wrote up a "gentle" and "soft-spoken" comment that in a general way spoke out against judging. I think psychologists would probably call it sort of a passive/aggressive approach. As far as I understand things right now, I still believe in the ideas that I wrote, but I shouldn’t have done it. There were things going on in my heart that I was blind to, and that is what the Lord wanted to talk to me about this morning.
I responded to what I perceived as judgment and a "bad attitude" with more judgment. If you read my words, they were measured and respectful, without any direct accusation. But they were motivated by judgment and a critical spirit rather than love. I didn’t think so at the time, but its pretty clear to me right now. And he was justifiably offended. Proverbs tells us that "the spirit of man knows the spirit of man", and that a brother offended is harder to win than a city with high walls around it. He called me on it, and I responded with more blatant sarcastic judgment. Great. Oh, I knew I was wrong, and I even apologized at the end of my reply, but I did it with a sneer in my spirit. How easily we are deceived. I look back now and see the self-righteousness of my heart, and I am pretty disappointed in myself, but hey, that is how this whole process of change takes place. We screw up, God shows us how we screwed up, we try to open our hearts to Him to let him change that thing He is showing us, and then we get up and get back in the race.
Probably I will do it again. I don’t want to, but the chances are that I will. This kind of change is usually a long slow process. At least for me it is. I am a very black and white person by nature. That in itself is not a bad thing, if your heart is motivated by love. And you have to have the necessary humility to recognize that your definitions of "black" and "white" may not always be correct. Jesus was pretty black and white at times. Read the sermon on the mount. He took the typical outward, behavioral approach to black and white, and pushed it deeper to the heart level. He took a lustful look and called it adultery. He took a harsh word, and called it murder. The thing is, He was always motivated by love. Always. My black and white thinking can be very susceptible to that judgment thing when I am not paying attention to the Spirit, and what I know of my own heart.
I so appreciate the mercy and patience of God. More than words can say.
And I am sorry to any who were offended by my foolishness. Really sorry.
Life and death are in the power of the tongue. I want to give life. Always. Even if it is necessary to confront someone. That will probably happen sometime. That’s why I need to listen to the Spirit, rather than my own internal agitation.
Paul told the Corinthians, "Let all that you do be done in love."
I want to live that way.
Help, Lord.
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6 comments:
I am really glad that you have come to see this. That's really, really good.
Please realize, I, personally, was never "offended" in the least by you or your actions. I was certainly disappointed to stand and watch your behavior descending in such a way. It is hard to see into someone's behavior and know the direction they are heading in, warn them, and watch them and get ensnared.
I understand. I talk a lot and sometimes I make a real ass of myself. I know this and because I know this about myself, I do not judge others that have the same flaw. One thing I will say for myself is that I own what I do, even when it is foolish.
Owning what I do means that I go and make amends where I need to. Though I appreciate that you have posted this here and I think it was very good and cathartic for you to do....we are called to "GO and make peace with our brother" That is not just some guy in blogdom....that is your brother and you have offended him.
Though you did apologize on his blog, you and I both know what heart that was coming out of...."but I did it with a sneer in my spirit" We, as spiritual creatures can and do see into people's hearts, and he saw that and so did everyone else that read those comments. It was clear to me and all else present that you apologized with that heart...even though the words were all "the right ones." and this is just blogitywille.
I have to be honest, your conduct has pushed you down some rungs as far as my respect goes. Not because you ran off your mouth, but because you did it and ran. Like I said...we are called to "go" and make amends and though I appreciate the sentiments expressed here and can see that Jesus has been working in this situation, going to the scene of the crime and expressing same is what would be a true ammends as far as I and the good book are concerned. And since I am throwing money around this week, that's my two cents again.
I am sorry MJ, but I am not going to do that. At least not right now. If I come to feel like that would be appropriate and helpful then I will. Its not because I don’t want to humble myself and apologize. My perception at this time is that it would only be gasoline on a fire. Am I afraid of that? No. I am a big boy. I can handle whatever he has to say. He is angry and my feeling is that he will twist anything I say into more ranting material. I don’t say that as another "judgment". Its just the way things appear to me. That being said, I don’t think it would be responsible for me to do what you suggested. You may not agree, and I respect that, but I will not take part in any more mud-slinging. When you do this stuff publicly, there is collateral damage. Everyone who reads it gets slimed. As I told my wife a long time ago, "I will not fight in front of the kids."
"I have to be honest, your conduct has pushed you down some rungs as far as my respect goes. Not because you ran off your mouth, but because you did it and ran."
I am sorry it looked that way, but I did not drop a grenade and run. I was offended, and I let him know that, but I knew I was wrong by the time I finished. That’s why I apologized. I knew I was wrong. At that time I didn’t understand all the dynamics of my heart. I have seen some pretty ugly stuff this morning. Anyway, I just knew that I needed to shut up and leave. If I didn’t, I would only sin some more. It would have been better if I had not sent that second comment. I wish I hadn’t, but I did. I was so caught up in my own anger at him that I went ahead and hit the send button. Bad idea. Hindsight is always 20/20.
I am sorry, but a public apology on his site sounds like another bad idea. Please dont be offended. I can appreciate your reasoning, and I respect the principle. At this time I just don’t have confidence that he will respond in a productive way. I invited him to email me and dialogue privately. The ball is in his court. But, I already told him that I will not put up with any foolishness. If he writes to me and its just a bunch of name-calling and personal attacks, I will probably just have to ignore him. I wont fight back, but I wont play that game. I don’t like unresolved issues, but sometimes you just have to deal with it. Sometimes resolution isn’t possible. Please feel free to direct him or anyone else to this post. I messed up and I have owned that. Obviously I put it out there for anyone to see. If he wants to comment on it he can. I know that you think he is a great guy. I don’t doubt that a bit, but I haven’t experienced it yet. I agree with much of what he has to say. I just disagree with the way he says it. I will listen to anyone, but I am not going to swallow everything they say without discernment. I am trying to respond to the Lord in humility and brokeness. I assume that you will give me the room to do that in the way that seems appropriate to me, and that you will trust the Lord to have His way in me. I may not be the greatest listener, but I am confident that He can shout loud enough for me to hear.
Thanks again for caring enough to speak up.
He is angry and my feeling is that he will twist anything I say into more ranting material.
That's not your business or your problem. We are called to "Go and make peace with our brother" That is not my suggestion. You do what you want. I am confident the Lord will have his way. Whatever he does, if you conduct yourself righteously that is what you do out of love and obedience to the Lord and what you have said by your actions is that you are not willing to do that...that heeding the Lord is not worth it enough for you to eat crow and sufer whatever comes along with it. I didn't make up "Go and make ammends" Those are not my words. But don't be making any sacrifical offerings anytimes soon because I don't thing they willhave the sweet aroma the Lrd is looking for. You do what you want...you ahve swung down now froma a few rungs to zero respect as far as I am concerned. Not a stitch. I pity you the volume that the Lord have to reach to get through to your deaf ears. Good day.
Wow. Strong stuff. Give me his email, and I will write to him privately. Give me his phone number and I will call him and apologize personally on my dime. I confessed my sin "publicly". Anyone involved can read it. And they can feel free to comment. If it gets ugly, I will shut down comments. I dont want people who happen to wander into my blog to be contaminated with this mess. In fact, I may shut down comments altogether. People who want to can email me if they have something to say.
This is an honest post. And I'm glad Jesus came for you. He comes for me like this often. Not often enough I think, and it's because of my stubbornness.
One of the things the Spirit wrested from my cold dead fingers about two years ago was the need to justify myself. Of course, He continues to ask me whether I have let that go or not. And sometimes I have to admit that I've been sneaking back to the cookie jar when everyone is asleep.
Have you really given up on doing the right thing? On being known as the one in the right?
I don't know if you'll ever win with your antagonist here. Honestly, I think you both are at the point where if you have something good to say, just say it, and quit defining yourself by how you're not like the other. Make sense?
Good stuff Steve. I appreciate it. Its funny, your questions tempt me to justify myself. Ha! I will resist that temptation and simply say thanks.
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