Monday, January 14, 2008

an understanding of grace Pt. 4

The Realization of my Self-Righteousness

I spent several weeks in the third chapter of Philippians. How could I have so misunderstood one of my favorite passages? Paul was trying to get free from self-righteousness and I was using his words to pursue my own. Just a little ironic. And then the Holy Spirit began to show me a pattern in my life. It was sort of a dance I was doing with God. I call it the Grace Works two-step. In the beginning, it was all about mercy and grace. I had been a foul-mouthed, immoral, drug dealer. I was a really nice guy, but I was also pure evil. A friend named Jay from college spent almost a year talking to me about Jesus whenever I would listen. At the same time, a girl at work was doing the same thing. It was like a 1-2 punch, day in and day out, and went on for almost a full year before I finally surrendered to the Lord. I went over to the guy's house one evening with the intent of getting started with this Christian thing. I didn't know what I needed to do, but I was ready to begin. There is actually a lot of really juicy details to that story, and God is the awesome hero, but I will tell it fully another time. Jay and myself and my best friend David spent the entire evening talking about the kingdom, and when it was about time for us to go home, I told them that I wanted to “do this thing.” Jay said, “I thought that was what you came over here for.” I bowed my head and closed my eyes, and he lead me in a prayer of repentance and commitment to Jesus as my Saviour and Lord. I had the single most powerful experience of my life as the Holy Spirit washed over me and filled my heart. (please forgive the religious language... I don't know how else to describe it.) It was absolutely overwhelming. I was speechless. And I was changed. A new man. Born again. It was amazing. I was a different person from that night forward.

I began to “learn” about the Christian life. I was really hungry for more of God, and His plans for my life. I went on a weekend retreat with a Christian group from our campus, and met some people from the Agape Force for the first time. I was deeply impacted by their teaching, and more than that, their passion for God. I wanted that, and at the end of the semester, I moved to Denver to work with one of their teams in the inner city. It was only supposed to be a summer, but ended up lasting almost ten years. It was the gift of God for me. I loved the people, and was totally excited about their vision of sharing the gospel with people who wouldn't normally hear it. It was really close to heaven for me.

But here I am, about five years later, and the Lord is showing me how dependent on my own works of righteousness I have become. I had learned a lot from His word, and the excellent teaching I was able to hear on a regular basis. I desired to live the radical Christian life, and I was getting really good at it. I didn't have any delusions of perfection, but somewhere deep down inside, I had an idea that I was headed down the fast-track in that direction. I had pretty well conquered most of the big sins in my life. I was really hungry and zealous for the kingdom of God. And I was working with this awesome ministry full of really godly people. Yep... I was feeling pretty good about the direction of my life.

But I lived my life in that dance I mentioned. The Grace Works two-step. It was a dance that I didn't even realize I knew.

I was constantly moving from the gift of righteousness to my own. On Sunday we would worship, and experience this great thankfulness for His salvation and His goodness to us. Then on Monday, I would get up and pray and seek after Him for the strength and wisdom to love and serve Him with all my heart. That's a good thing to do. But there was something wrong in my heart. My prayer on Monday wasn't always motivated by the same gratitude in worship I had experienced on Sunday. In fact, most of the time it was motivated by the desire to maintain His approval by my good behavior. I didn't want to fail Him, and possibly be rejected for it. If you had told me that this was what I was doing, I would have denied it. I knew in my head that He didn't relate to me in that way, but feared in my heart that He did. It was unconscious, but it was real. Deep down, I was driven by fear. I genuinely loved Him, and wanted to please Him, but didn't understand how that really worked. "Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness," but I had come to believe that God was measuring me by the quality of my own works.

So I would “try really hard” all week, going just as long as I could without committing any major sin. The longer I made it without any biggies, the better I felt about myself. It made me seem acceptable, like God could actually like me. (The little stuff like pride and envy didn't count.) And then it would happen. I would eventually give in to some sort of temptation, and I would sin. The gentle conviction of the Holy Spirit would settle over me, and I would turn to Jesus in brokenness and faith, asking for forgiveness. He would embrace me in a fresh expression of His "unmerited favor", and comfort and strengthen me. It's wonderful when He does that.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

He is awesome, and my heart would overflow with fresh love and thankfulness for His grace. And then the next day I would begin the “works” step again. I would pray, and read my Bible, and make new resolutions to live for Him with all my heart. The longer I made it without any gross sin, the more lovable I would feel. And then of course, I would give in to another temptation of some sort, have to run to Him for mercy, and do the “grace” step one more time.

Works, grace, cha cha cha.... works, grace, cha cha cha... its a pretty easy dance to learn.

And its a really hard one to un-learn.

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